


Operation: Get A New Dad

by orphan_account



Category: The LEGO Batman Movie (2017)
Genre: M/M, also my first multi-chaptered fic in ten centuries pls forgive me, anyway, except ten times more cliche and cheesy, have fun, it's basically those 'we gotta pretend to be dating for x reason' fics
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-19
Updated: 2017-03-21
Packaged: 2018-10-07 11:55:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,193
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10359846
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: One day, Dick gets an idea. An idea that leads to possibly the cheesiest, most cliche chain of events involving a certain Bat Dad and his Worst Enemy.All because Batman couldn't stand to lose an argument.





	1. The Plan

A few _weeks_ ago, Dick had gotten an idea.

And only now is he actually going to put it into action.

Barbara and Alfred have been helping him sort a few things out, change a few things (for example, no theme park trips that result in all of them getting kidnapped and having to be saved.. bummer..) and now everything's ready.

Right now, everyone's sitting together in the theater room, and Dick's pretty sure that none of them are really _watching_ the movie except Batman. Speaking of...

"Hey, Padre," Dick's voice easily speaks over the movie, and everyone turns to look at him. "Can't we watch something more.. exciting?" he suggests, when really he knows that they _can't_ , because the whole movie collection they own is either gross romcoms or terribly depressing break-up stories.. oh, and that weird DVD labelled 'TWILIGHT- BATMAN EDITION' that they're never going to watch anyway.

"But I like this movie," Batman replies, and is about to turn back to watching before Dick speaks up again.

"I wanna watch some awesome superhero movies- I wanna see heroes like us beating up evil villains- villains like Joker!"

"But _Joker_ isn't even _evil._ " the vigilante points out, and Dick barely manages to suppress a giggle. One, because he said that awfully quickly with slight _defensive_ tone, and two because _the plan is now being put into action_. At this point, Barbara and Alfred are staring at the two, both smiling a little.

"Well, everyone else except you thinks otherwise," Barbara suddenly says, and sends a wink in Dick's direction. _Perfect_.

"How would you even _think_ Joker's _evil_?!" Batman questions, a little exasperated. "The worst he's done-" apart from almost destroying Gotham, but hey, we've all been there, "-is. Uh." he pauses, trying to think. "I can't even think of anything especially evil he's done, see? Ha."

"What about the time he almost blew up a bunch of buildings-" Dick cuts himself off to reword the sentence. "No- _all the times_ he almost blew up a bunch of buildings."

"And all the times he _did_." Alfred adds.

"Yeah, but all the other villains do that too." Batman tries again, and everyone can tell he's losing.

"Does that mean _they're_ not evil either?"

"Yeah, well they-" he pauses. "...dangit."

"Exactly. Everyone except you thinks Joker is evil." Barbara says again, and Batman huffs childishly and folds his arms.

"Batman _never_ loses an argument." he mumbles, and once again, Dick finds himself struggling not to laugh. This time, though, he accidentally lets out a little giggle, and mentally kicks himself.. lightly. "What's so funny?"

"Well, I _just_ had an idea- maybe you should try and prove to everyone that Joker _isn't_ evil!" at this point, the child is grinning widely with what can easily be mistaken for innocence.

"...How?"

"You could... try and get him to help you." Barbara suggests.

"Only works when his status as my Greatest Enemy is at stake."

"You could invite him over for movie night."

"How would that convince anyone other than all of you?"

"You could take him out for lunch."

"You could hug."

"You could ki-" Alfred covers Dick's mouth. "Kick- butt...!"

"No. No. And no."

"Oh oh oh! You should like.. go out on a date!"

Batman goes stiff, and it takes him a few moments to actually say something.

"U-um. No."

Did he just stutter?

OH MY _GOSH._

But Dick pretends to ignore that (something that, obviously, Alfred and Barbara are struggling to do, judging by the fact that they've been staring blankly at Batman since he last spoke) and nods, before holding a hand up.

"You're right. Not serious enough," don't laugh don't laugh _DON'T LAUGH_. "You should pretend you're dat _ing_!"

Batman goes stiff again, before pulling his cape up over his head and screaming.

_**"NO."** _

For the next few days, they don't talk about it again.

* * *

A couple days later, Dick brings it up again.

Another no, but the stutter in his voice is almost _too_ noticeable this time.

* * *

The next day, 'Operation: Get Another Dad' as Dick likes to call it, is mentioned again.

Batman's starting to give in.

But still a no.

 _Darn_.

* * *

It's been six days.

Six days and still, everytime it's bought up it's a no. But Dick isn't going to give up this easily.

The Look isn't going to cut it.

He needs.. something more powerful.

* * *

And, in the next couple of days, that something more powerful is all it takes for Batman to finally go through with the plan, and, of course, he claims that it's still just so he can win this argument.

Dick is already giving his Bat-dad the address to Joker's place (don't ask him how he has it. Not important.) and sending him off on his way by noon.

* * *

"Joker."

"Oh, Batsy! You know I don't do fights on Wednesdays, _right_?"

"...Joker. We have to do The Dating Thing."

...

" _What._ "


	2. The Dating Thing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heya!!  
> i just wanna say thank you all a lOT for the attention and nice comments this fic has gotten. it's my first multi chapter fic in a looooooooooooooooong while.   
> anyways, if you wanna ask me questions, check out my art, you can go over to my tumblr, which is mizbritishnyxian!! there's also my art blog, missbritishnyxian (also posts when a chapter updates, just in case you don't see it over here)  
> aNYWAY!!  
> enjoy the chapter!!

"Harls, he said he wants to do 'The Dating Thing!'" Joker says for the fifth time since Batman left, falling into his chair dramatically and sighing. "What does that even _mean_?" he'd said something about an argument and how he needed to prove people wrong, but...

"It means he wants to _go out with ya_ , hun." Harley says, closing an eye and sticking her tongue out as she does her nails. She's already found out about Robin's plan concerning Batman and Joker, in fact she's been planning most of the future.. _events_.. for it. "Ya know, the whole thing you've been wantin' with him for a while now?" well, more than a while. A really, _really_ long while- and it'd taken Joker an even _longer_ while to actually _realise_ it.

"But what 'deal' was he even talking about?" the green-haired villain mutters- more to himself if anything.

"Does it matter?" Harley retorts.

"Well... maybe not," Joker replies, and glances over at his BFF. "Hey, what nail polish are you using? It looks cool."

"Oh, Poison Ivy got it for me." as she says her fellow villain's name, she lets out a dreamy little sigh. "Oh- it's sparkly, too!" she demonstrates by holding her hand up near the hole in the wall that they call a window, and flashes of light pink start glittering across her nails. Harley grins goofily, before shaking her head and turning back to Joker. "Anyways- about Batman- it'll work out, boo-boo." she reassures him. "Besides, you can still say no, right?" _though, I doubt you will_ , she almost adds.

"Yeah.. you're right." the other nods, but then grins again and perks up. "But I'm gonna say _yes_!" he announces, little to her surprise. After a few seconds of uncomfortable silence, Joker gets up and walks over to Harley, taking a seat next to her. "..first, I need you to fix my hair though. It's been bothering me _all day_."

"On it, darlin'."

* * *

Joker stands outside of Wayne Manor, whistling a little before knocking on the door. This _really_ shouldn't make him feel as nervous as it does, but.. well, you know.

Fortunately, Harley's just around the corner in their totally-not-stolen helicopter just in case anything goes wrong. Thank god for BFFs.

He's snapped out of his thoughts when the door opens a tad, and Batman himself peeks out. Joker finds himself wondering if the vigilante wears that suit of his _all day_ or something. The thought lingers as he and Batman just stare at eachother in pure silence, until the hero speaks up.

"U-uh. Hi."

Did he just stutter? Because it sounds.. slightly adorable. Joker clears his throat. God, he really _is_ nervous.

"H-heya, Batsy!" he stutters, and invites himself in without even thinking about it. No no _no_ , what is he _doing_?! He's Joker; Clown Prince Of Crime, Batman's worst enemy, greatest villain of _all time_. Definitely not someone who gets defeated by just the _idea_ of _dating_! Yeah!

...Oh, who is he kidding.

He's absolutely terrible at this.

* * *

Batman stares at Joker, who's been standing there for what seems like an hour.

"Um.. Joker.. are you okay...?" he asks hesitantly, as another few seconds pass. The clown jolts, as if being snapped out of a daydream, and lets out a laugh that even _Batman_ can tell is forced.

"Yeah, just uh, t-thinking." he squeaks. The vigilante shrugs before starting to walk toward another room, shooting a questioning glance Joker's way when he doesn't follow. "..uh, yeah. Right, sorry." the green-haired villain lets out an awkward chuckle, before following him into the living room.

"So, uh.. earlier.. about that.. uh-"

"Yes." Joker cuts in, almost making Batman trip up on his walk to the couch. However, he manages to catch himself before he can fall face-first into the carpet. "I mean uh- yeah, sure, I can do it." he sounds awfully... nervous. And, as much as the hero hates to admit it, it's pretty darn adorable.

"Well- um. Okay then," Batman pauses as he reaches the couch and takes a seat. "So.. you're not going to question this. At all."

"What do you mean?" Joker plonks himself down next to him.

"I.. asked to date you out of nowhere..." under the mask, he furrows his eyebrows. "And.. you're just going to say yes." okay, so maybe it was just a case of Batman being slightly suspicious. After all, his (previously self-acclaimed) greatest enemy's saying yes to this deal for seemingly _no reason_ , and seemingly _zero hesitation_. Speaking of this plan, why was he even still going through with it?! This was all so stup-

"...yeah." the villain cuts into his thoughts with an uncharacteristically meek voice, and now the other finds himself a little _concerned,_ but decides not to ask about it. Emotions aren't Batman's thing. "But I mean- you said something about an argument and you'd have to win..!"

"And?" this is getting really confusing.

"Well, uh- if you were too busy trying to win that argument, then you wouldn't have time to fight me, duh!" and just like that, Joker's back to his usual chipper tone, grinning. He leans on the edge of the couch with slightly shaking arms, and then shuffles a little closer to Batman. "A-anyways, what exactly does this 'dating' thing involve, Bats?" he asks.

"Well-"

"BAT-DAD!" a sudden, but familiar voice calls out, and a blur of yellow, red and green runs into the room.

* * *

Oh, Joker recognises the kid. Robin or something..?

"Woah- uh, hi," Batman looks a tad shocked at the sudden arrival, evident by the fact that he just _scrambled back and fell off of the couch_.

"Oh, Mister Joker!" Robin beams up at said villain, and he finds his heart melting. This kid needs to be _protected_ , holy _cow_. "Did my dad tell you about how he totally wants to date you now?"

"I DO NOT-"

"He.. did..." Joker replies slowly. "Why..?"

"Well, I had something planned for you two.. and me.. and Alfred and Barbara..." he counts the names (two of which Joker doesn't know) off on his fingers, then looks back up at the two men. "We could all go on like, a day out! To a theme park or something!" he suggests.

"Okay, but _why_?" Batman questions.

"Well, you need to make the dating thing public, don't you?" Robin replies as if it's obvious. "So why not? Plus, I've never been to a theme park before. It'll be fun!"

Oh wow, this kid is adorable _and_ persuasive. Just the tone of his voice is enough to make Joker want to say yes immediately, and don't even mention the _look_ he's giving.

"...well, fine then." Batman huffs.

"Great!" Robin chirps. "Alfred already booked a place for tomorrow, but for now.. we should all go out and get icecream, or something!"

As Batman also agrees to _this_ , Joker realises that he's maybe bitten off a little more than he can chew.


	3. The 'Crime'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hfgfgh i feel like there are too many changes in perspective here???  
> aaaaah this whole chapter felt kinda iffy to me,,, i attempted to rewrite it but nothing really stuck??  
> i hOPE YOU GUYS LIKE THIS ONE,, IT'S HALF ONE AND I JUST FINISHED IT,, S O B S  
> (casual reminder that my tumblr is mizbritishnyxian, i'm almost to three hundred followers, wink wonk)

"C'mon, guys!" Robin yells, tugging Batman along with an eager grin. The vigilante finds it hard not to smile at the boy's excitement, and, as he glances around, it's affecting everyone else too. Joker is beaming even wider than usual, if possible, and Barbara is smirking slightly. Speaking of, the woman had insisted she go as her 'normal self' (as she'd put it) because apparently she got _discounts_. Unfair. If _police_ got discounts, why couldn't _Batman_?

Suddenly, Robin's voice cuts into his thoughts for what seems like the twentieth time that day, blabbering on excitedly about all the different flavors of ice cream they can get. Batman tunes in and out of the conversation for a few minutes, and by the time they all get to the ice cream store Joker's joined in on Robin's discussion on why mint chocolate chip ice cream should be banned because it's so terrible.

"-I know, right!" the villain says, hands on his hips. " _What_ kind of person even thinks it's an _acceptable_ flavor?"

"Exactly!" Robin nods, before quickly looking around. His eyes light up suddenly, and he almost knocks someone over running to the building they're not even that far from. "WE'RE HERE!"

* * *

Harley peeks out from behind the building, before quickly ducking back behind it when she sees Batman and co.

"Hey, guys!" she hisses to her company- aka, all of Joker's 'squad'- and motions for them to come closer. "Okay, you know the plan, right?"

There's a chorus of 'yeah's, and someone says, 'duh, we've been practicing this all week,' to which they get a light smack on the head from Poison Ivy.

"Alriiiiiiiiiiight, then let's go!" Harley smirks, skating toward the back entrance of the ice cream shop with a giggle.

* * *

Batman huffs and stares out of the window of the ice cream store, waiting for Barbara to finish getting their ice cream. Seriously, _what_ is taking her so long? As if reading the vigilante's mind, Robin speaks up suddenly.

"I'm gonna go see what's taking Barbara so long..." he trails off, as if meaning to say something else, but then shakes his head and beams up at the two still left at the table. "Bye, Bat-Dad! Bye.." he pauses for a split second, thinking. "...Joker!"

Batman smiles a bit as the child runs off, his cape fluttering behind him. A few people turn to stare- actually, quite a few confused citizens have been stealing glances since the group arrived- now that it's just Joker and Batman sitting at the table.

"Sooooooooo..." the vigilante starts, not quite knowing where to take this conversation.

"About this whole 'dating' thing," the other cuts in, and Batman doesn't know whether to feel relieved or nervous. "Just for the record, how long exactly are we going to be keeping it up..?"

Ah, shit.

He actually hadn't thought about that, had he?

For a few seconds, he just stutters out a few incoherent words, before clearing his throat. Ahh, good ol' awkwardness. Gotta love it!

"Well- uh- I guess as long as it has to? I mean-"

There's a sudden scream, and a yell of 'OH MY GOD WHO IS _THAT_ ' before Batman quickly looks up from Joker's now-surprised face to see a cloaked figure holding.. something. Oh, yay.

"Aaalright, whoever you are," he groans, getting up from his seat to face the mysterious figure. "Here's how it's gonna go. I'm gonna kick your butt, and- HEY!"

The figure suddenly grabs Joker- who lets out a yelp of surprise- by the wrist, before slinging him over their shoulder and starting to run off. Batman feels.. _angry_? Would that be the right way to put it?

He shakes his head and decides to think about that later, before taking off toward whoever's attempting to (presumably) kidnap Joker.

* * *

Harley pants a little as she skates along the pavement, Joker slung over her shoulder as she attempts to outrun Batman. Okay, maybe she's not really _trying_ , considering the whole meaning of this plan is to get the vigilante to _save_ him, but she's gotta make _some_ sort of effort to seem legitimate, right?

"Put. Me. _Dooooooooooooooooown_!" Joker whines, pounding on Harley's back with his fists. The woman barely stifles a slightly annoyed groan- god, he really _can_ be a handful sometimes...

She manages to carry on for another few blocks before starting to give up- she isn't getting tired or anything, it's just that somehow, the bat keeps catching up to her no matter how fast she skates. And, as soon as she so much as slows down slightly, she can feel a hand grabbing the hood of her cloak. _Crud_.

Just as Batman yanks the hood down, Harley quickly drops Joker onto the floor and dashes off at full speed, praying to whatever god is out there that she hasn't been recognised.

* * *

"Joker!" Batman exclaims as the villain groans, rubbing his head as he attempts to get up. After a few seconds he manages to make himself _sound_ calmer, although he doesn't _feel_ it. "Are.. you okay?" without hesitation, he picks the other up, barely noticing the blush that dusts Joker's cheeks.

"U-uh, yeah, m'good!" he stutters, flashing him a sharp-toothed grin that seems a little wobbly.

He doesn't have time to dwell on the thought, though, because suddenly, two familiar figures- Robin and Barbara- are running up to the two, the former holding a whole tub of chocolate ice cream and grinning impossibly wildly. As the child spots the two, his eyes light up with something that looks just slightly sinister, and he speeds up, tossing the tub of ice cream to Barbara. Then, he barrels into Batman, knocking the vigilante- and, consequently, Joker- over.

"Oof- heya, kid!" Joker laughs, despite the fact that he was just almost kidnapped, and Batman may or may not feel his heart melting for the millionth time that day. "Where have _you_ been?"

"Oh- we were getting the ice cream but they ran out because someone stole it so they just gave us a discount on a _whole tub_ because Barbara's a police officer and they get discounts _isn't that cool-!_ " then, he pauses. At first, Batman thinks it's to catch his breath, but then Robin looks behind them and his eyes go wide. "And running. From them."

Oh no.

The _press_.

* * *

The questions almost go on forever.

Most of them actually _aren't_ related to the 'crime,' (which, by the way, was just stolen ice cream and the attempted kidnapping of Joker. One of those things isn't very important to Batman.) and just the fact that Batman has never, _ever_ gone out, doing _normal people things_ with his _family_ \- and with _the Joker_ , his _worst enemy_.

Now, the crowd has calmed down a little bit, Robin seems to be getting tired, and Barbara's saying she has things to attend to at work. Meanwhile, Batman is still standing there (still carrying Joker, too) answering question after question. Most of them are the same.. until the very end. The worst questions are always at the _very end_.

"Why exactly were you _with_ the Joker in the first place?" fantastic. He opens his mouth to answer, barely noticing Robin's uncharacteristically mischievous smirk until it's too late and his son is already cutting in.

"Oh! It's because they're _dating!_ "


End file.
